Nerd Review

Now this one is for those english readers out there. Since the subject is very VERY brazilian, I judged that it would be interesting to alert, and inform you all about the dangers of Carnaval.

Here is the typical mulata… Big ass, big smile and with a maid’s name

Carnaval itself was harmless, pure and well intended at first. It’s original purpose, historically, was simply a meat-eating holiday which preceeded a 40-day period when Catholics weren’t allowed to eat any meat at all. The 40-day period ends precisely at Easter, which is the resurrection of Christ. Nowadays, the “eat all the meat you can” philosophy isn’t followed at all. Instead, we’ve opted to being half-naked and having uncontrolled sexual practice with little protection. Sounds fun huh? I mean, that’s what we do in underdeveloped countries!

Well, prejudice and sarcasm aside, there are worst things to be considered, and this list tends to get long in some cases, but allow me to be brief.

1. Carnaval is never on the same date every year. For some stupid reason, it alternates from the beginning of the month to the end of the month yearly. This causes somewhat of a confusion once it comes to planning your extended vacations… which leads us to another problem.

2. Carnval will usually (unless the month is changed next time) be on February. This means that Christmas and New Year’s has just gone by quite recently. So, many companies and public services decide: “Well, I’m going to have to interrupt my vacation to come back for a 10-15 day period before I have my carnaval holidays. I’ll just make it one big holiday instead beause I’m sure peopl won’t need my services”. This thought usually applies to doctors, judges, smaller family companies, and other free-lancing professionals. So if you need anything from them, wait until carnaval finishes!

3. One major problem we have here is television. For those of you who don’t know, once single channel called Rede Globo practically brainwashes the masses, sets trends, and chooses what people should watch or not and when. So as reasoning goes, they bombard us with short adds announcing that carnaval is coming soon! YAY! Usually, their small add involves a mulata/”african-brazilian” woman dressed with a carnaval outfit which leaves little to the imagination. If you are ever in some waiting room during carnaval, you can count that every 30 minutes, a huge BUNDA (butt in portuguese) will be flashing at your face in non-homeopathic dossages.

4. It’s a common misconception that ALL Brazilians love carnaval! That every single one of just love to go where the crowd is so we can have fun. Actually, I’ve been noticing that more and more people every year can’t stand carnaval. It tends to be used as an excuse for getting high, going crazy, having unprotected sex with strangers and pretending that you are happy. This forced display of happiness is what pisses me off the most. And then it goes hand-in-hand with all the other excuses.

I won’t go on any longer just to spare you all of my pain. Understand, please… CARNAVAL IS NOT CULTURE! We have many other cultural representations of Brazil. For example, instead of SAMBA being our typical music, go listen to some BOSSA NOVA. Great artist such as Tom Jobim, Vinicius de Moraes and Joâo Gilberto are an excellent starting point. Let us have a minute… no, three days of silence and forget carnaval. Let’s go play some D&D!

And foreigners beware, if you ever go to Rio de Janeiro, be prepares to be tricked, duped and stolen!